AOC Does it Again
Two-face

It’s a rare occasion indeed that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez opens her mouth and doesn’t look like a complete idiot. When AOC speaks… you can pretty much be guaranteed that she will make a complete and utter fool out of herself – and the best part is that she doesn’t even seem to realize it most of the time…

What was the latest of her always so vocal flubs?

An ill-advised tweet celebrating the plunge in oil futures prices which went into never-before-seen negative territory. This means that the contracts to purchase and take possession of oil fell below zero to the effect that in order to “sell” the oil, you’d effectively have to PAY someone to purchase it ($39.44 per barrel!) .

It’s unclear what she loves to see… is it the hundreds of thousands dying at the hands of COVID-19, the devastation this is causing to the world economy, or her credibility evaporating into thin air as people read this wreckless example of sheer and utter stupidity (what little credibility she had left that is, if there ever was any to begin with)? It’s difficult to tell, but one thing is for sure, AOC just red lined and topped out on the retardometer – that thing is pegged!

The market conditions that created this financial anomaly are the result of the unprecedented decimation of the world economy due to COVID-19 combined with the growing chasm between oil’s supply and its demand as well as the costs associated with storing the surplus of barrels until they can later be consumed.

There are a few things causing the supply/demand relationship to become so out-of-whack. Obviously, COVID-19 and the resulting social distancing and quarantining measures are causing the demand for oil to drop off of a cliff with so many fewer airplanes flying and vehicles moving. This, combined with the inability of oil producing nations to effectively cut back production enough – or the unwillingness to do so due to the need for the profits of barrel sales – is causing the storage capacity to be nearly fully reached as the world simply isn’t prepared to house this many unused barrels because… well it usually just doesn’t need to.

As demand continues to crawl due to government induced lock-downs across the globe, and warehouses continue to fill up as oil dependent economies continue to pump and sell out of sheer necessity during tough economic times… the price of oil futures contracts fell through the floor.

AOC for some reason thought that these horrible times where people are losing their loved ones to illness and their jobs due to the poor economic conditions – especially those in the oil business – was for some reason the proper point to celebrate as in her mind she figured this meant she was closer to her “green new deal” agenda (which btw is the worst economic plan in the history of mankind to the point where it’s sheer fiction not a “plan”).

AOC… stop being the dumbest bitch alive please. Every single day that you are in office it’s a disgrace to the American political system and you embarrass the absolute fuck out of yourself as you betray your sheer and utter ignorance with regards to anything related to the government, anything to do with the economy, or outright anything at all on this earth.

Please go back to pouring drinks.

Here is the infamous tweet in full, which she so quickly deleted after realizing from the blow back that this MIGHT not be the right time to start up again with promoting her $93 Trillion restructuring plan for the economy (which even her own staff has admitted actually has nothing to do with the environment or climate change but it was rather that they just got together and decided they wanted to overhaul the economy for the hell of it with zero understanding about economics…wow)…

Label O’ Mistakes
Captain Corn

Just when it seemed that the dumb-shittery of the modern ‘politically correct’ police could get no worse, Land O Lakes has recently begun removing the Native American girl from its labels as they “…recognized we need packaging that reflects the foundation and heart of our company culture.” In other words, “we succumbed to idiotic pressure from whatever organizations so retardedly thought this was a problem when it really hasn’t been for almost the last hundred years (since LOL’s 1921 inception).”

Mother of God, where will this end? The labels had already gone from showing the seated Indian girl to just showing her face, and now she’s removed altogether? What’s more racist: showing a Native American mascot that represents pure quality food or banning the mascot altogether on the grounds of her race? Answer that one…

The best (meaning idiotically worst) part of this are some of the comments made as a result of this cowardly action: North Dakota Rep. Ruth Buffalo told the Grand Forks Herald the image of Mia goes “hand-in-hand with human and sex trafficking of our women and girls.”

…what!?

The Lost Vikings
Captain Corn

This documentary studies the Nordic colony which existed in Greenland for 500 years before eventually disappearing…

The Smollett Saga Continues
Two-face

While it doesn’t quite seem like it’s been over a year since the fake-hate-crime-attack that Jessie Smollett staged on himself (including a noose), we do find ourselves almost thirteen months since America was shown that not only is it no longer Mississippi in 1950 anymore, but that racial hate crimes are in fact so rare these days that Smollett had to manifest one in order to play the race/victim card that he so badly wanted to – calling himself “the gay Tupac” even at one point…

What’s the latest news in this roller coaster of a year? Special prosecutor Dan Webb indicting Smollett on six new counts of disorderly conduct over the falsely reported incident. It’s unknown if federal charges around Smollett’s usage of the mail will end up in the mix or not (remember that fake racist letter he sent to himself?).

…the late Tupac Shakur – as nice of a guy as he could be at times – no doubt would’ve whooped Jessie’s ass outright if he’d heard that dumb mess. The Gay Tupac? What an absolute and supreme idiot.

African Americans have for so long considered themselves “the victim” and able to blame anything and everything on something to do with race that in the modern age where openly expressed racism or racial attacks are miniscule-ly scant, they simply don’t know what to do with themselves.

The FACT that blacks in America are so obsessed with pretending to be persecuted as part of their life strategy is evident by Smollett’s actions:

Don’t like who The President is? – Stage a racist attack in his name.

Don’t like that The President is a white guy? (you know, like ALL US Presidents prior to Obama???) – Stage a racist attack in his name.

Haven’t been getting enough attention lately? – Stage a racist attack.

Do anything wrong in life? (like staging a racist attack on yourself) – Blame it on racism.

Get caught in the lie that was you staging a racist attack on your own damn self like a complete fool? – Don’t own up to it, instead continue with the farse because you’re black and whatever happened must be because everyone is racist against you, and that regardless of everything else or any facts – you MUST be the victim because you are black.

In fact, it’s impossible to not be a victim as a black man in America right? And also impossible to be the victim as anything other than an African American, as blacks in America have a monopoly on victim-hood…right?

UHMAZIN, as Jesse Lee Peterson would say it, WHO – by the way – manages to be a successful black man WITHOUT needing to be a hurt baby girl 24/7 looking for sympathy. JLP in fact is one of the few voices of reason in America these days when it comes to this topic and he no doubt has the freedom of speech that he exercises since he IS African American and is tired of being grouped in with sissies like Smollett (if a white man talked like JLP he’d have been crucified in a public square by now).

The topic of what is being called The New American Racism has already been expounded upon here so instead we’ll focus on what is potentially the worst and saddest aspect of all of this, and that is the damage this insane incident is inflicting upon the nation and particularly the credibility of any truly persecuted blacks in any future REAL attacks.

Jussie is doing his race ZERO favors by perpetrating this stunt and in fact he’s helping to set his own people back in whatever racial struggle that they have been going through throughout the past several decades in America.

What an idiot, no only do white people hate him now but black people do to! He really should be ashamed of himself, but that takes a little bit of intelligence and understanding of just how retarded one looks to the public before it can be understood – unfortunately Jussie is too busy fantasizing about being the Gay Tupac to have learned anything from this yet.

Perhaps the latest indictment will start to drive home not only just how ridiculous and hurtful to his race (and the country as a whole) this bullshit has been, but also what real effect it is having and will have on his life going forward (jail cell shared with huge guy that always thought Tupac was cute, etc).

財閥 の日本人
Captain Corn

It’s been a crazy couple of years for Nissan’s former CEO Carlos Ghosn, and an even crazier past several days considering that he’s just absconded from Japanese house arrest, crossed international borders, and ended up five thousand miles away in the safety of the non-extradition country of Lebanon.

One could say Ghosn’s troubles began in November of 2018 when he was first arrested on charges of false accounting upon arrival by plane to Tokyo Haneda Airport. Since then it’s become obvious that the conspiracy against him must’ve started much earlier, and also must’ve included many members of Nissan’s inner circle – as well as Japanese prosecutors. Is Ghosn guilty of lining his own pockets with inappropriate expenditures of company funds, or is he being railroaded by a rigged Japanese legal system in cahoots with the Nissan Group zaibatsu?

This story actually begins much earlier, during the early twentieth century when the economy of industrializing Japan had evolved to be controlled by large and powerful family-owned monopolistic organizations called zaibatsu. Some zaibatsu of this period could even trace their roots back to far earlier eras of Japan’s history; this effectively resulted in zaibatsu having untold power and influence by the time of the reign of The Empire of Japan leading up to and during WWII.

Nissan is one of the companies that existed as a zaibatsu starting in 1928, and it stands to reason that in present day, Nissan might continue to operate by certain deep-rooted traditional (and nationalistic) principles advantageous to itself – such as ousting a CEO that had significantly altered the balance of power between a storied historical Japanese conglomerate and the French company of Renault. For better or for worse, Japan remains until this day one of the most racially homogeneous nations in the world, and the Japanese are historically unapologetic regarding their opinions and actions when it comes to foreigners or foreign influence within the land of the rising sun. It’s hardly a far-fetched concept that Nissan would not want a gaijin (外人 – alien/outsider) firm like Renault to embarrassingly be able to assert too much power within the Renault–Nissan–Mitsubishi Alliance.

There are rumors that senior Nissan and government officials had become displeased with the measures Ghosn had taken over the past seventeen years as part of restructuring various aspects of Nissan and its relationships with Renault and Mitsubishi in order to bring it back to profitability. Those measures had widely been received as successful, with Ghosn being awarded Asia Businessman of the Year by Fortune magazine in 2002, and Man of the Year by Fortune Asia in 2003.

Apparently, these accolades and the successful turn around of Nissan’s financial woes weren’t enough to keep Ghosn in favor in the long term – how can the disparity be bridged between the highs of Ghosn’s career and the lows of being arrested and criminally charged? The answer most likely lies somewhere in the complexities of Japanese politics and the desire in Japan for Japanese corporations to be controlled by…the Japanese (not for instance say…the French).

Some would say that the Nissan Group zaibatsu that began in 1928 no longer exists in the same form today, and therefore that the type of nationalistic conspiracy required in order to dismantle Carlos Ghosn’s career and reverse the policies enacted under his direction as CEO of the Renault–Nissan–Mitsubishi Alliance couldn’t in fact happen in modern Japan…

Whilst it is indeed true that the zaibatsu were dismantled in post-WWII era Japan as part of mandatory changes implemented by the United States, it wasn’t long before a similar system emerged which could really be considered as a further evolved model of the zaibatsu – the keiretsu system.

It was under the keiretsu-dominated economy that Japan rose as an economic powerhouse through the 1980’s and it is the keiretsu system that still reigns supreme in Japan today. Keiretsu do have key structural differences and aren’t as similar to oligarch-type organizations as the zaibatsu were, however they do still involve various horizontal and vertical integrations such as zaibatsu utilized and their components work together to ensure the success of the keiretsu overall. In effect, portions of modern day Japan’s economy still operate in a very similar manner as in the zaibatsu era, and this combined with the innate nationalism of such a system along with Japan’s historically nationalistic behaviors overall could most certainly help to explain a conspiracy against Carlos Ghosn and a desire to alter Renault’s position in the alliance.

What has all of this meant for Ghosn? Not only has he been painted by Nissan and the Japanese legal system as a thieving villain – plundering Nissan accounts to fuel his lifestyle – but he’s also been arrested and incarcerated twice, and confined to house arrest with his passports confiscated. He’s effectively been unfairly convicted in the court of public opinion as a result of the efforts of the Japanese, who even pressured French prosecutors to launch an investigation from their side as well.

Is this what the man who effectively rescued Nissan and Renault from their lackluster mid-90’s levels of performance and elevated them to their current successful positions in the industry (with Nissan’s electric Leaf dominating EV market share even over Tesla)? It seems the Japanese aren’t very good at saying “thanks” to someone who devoted seventeen years of his life to fixing one of their oldest zaibatsu/keiretsu corporations…

Facing an obvious crucifixion in an obviously rigged Japanese legal system, Ghosn did the only thing he could do in order to hope to achieve any sort of justice and finally remove himself from being shuttled in and out of Japanese jails and house arrest – he skipped bail and fled. What’s most interesting however is that not only was he able to first get out of the island nation, but that he was able to covertly get all the way to Lebanon, a country which has been kind to him as of late and is more than willing to house a wealthy man of Arab descent (his grandfather was born in Lebanon). Extradition is currently not even a remote possibility, and Ghosn could spend no doubt the rest of his life there if he so chooses, but could also wait out the current witch hunt until a fair trial could perhaps be held in a safe and international (and impartial) location.

What’s next in store for Ghosn? Will he forever remain in Lebanon in order to avoid unfair persecution at the betraying hands of his former team at Nissan, spending the rest of his life on the lam…or will he eventually get his day in court – one that can promise due process and a fair shake? Like the rest of us, all Ghosn can do for now is… wait…

edit: Former Green Beret Michael Taylor describes how he smuggled Ghosn out of Japan…

ISIS Bride Suddenly Wants the American Dream
Captain Corn

Back in 2014 when the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (ISIS) – AKA the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant (ISIL) – was gaining world-wide notoriety after several successful military campaigns and several YouTube’d beheadings of foreigners, a strange phenomenon began to increase where women living in various countries fled to the middle east in order to be brides under the rule of the ISIS/ISIL caliphate.

The seal of ISIS/ISIL

Most of these brides were of middle eastern / near eastern descent and followers of Islam who apparently believed that the ISIS caliphate was going to be a permanent fixture in the region and be a place where they could live with fellow Muslims sharing their beliefs, while having families without the “oppression” of the western capitalist infidel societies that their “home” countries were members of, and were subjecting them to.

Hoda Muthana, an ISIS/ISIL bride now seeking to return to America…

One such young woman – Hoda Muthana – left from Alabama in the United States at age twenty and traveled to ISIS-held territory where she then married an ISIS fighter and was his wife until his death in 2015, at which point she married another fighter and had his child. Seems like a stand-up girl. Overall, Muthana had three jihadist husbands during her five-year holy war stint, and when the end was finally near (ISIS territory being compressed down to only a few square miles) she eventually surrendered to U.S. troops in January of 2019.

Back in 2015 however, she appeared to be satisfied indeed with life in the new caliphate as she was quite active on her Twitter account suggesting to others to join her holy war cause and also kill citizens in the U.S. before they left… This is not to even mention what sort of support she must have provided militant extremists while she was living with them and they were you know…killing innocent civilians and allied troops in their never-ending thirst for the endless expansion of their caliphate through the murder of others and the theft of the corresponding resources. This was actually how ISIS became such a threat in the first place. In the spirit of Islam they grew like a cancer in the region by attacking quickly and using the wealth and equipment from gained territory to further fuel more murder and raiding/plundering.

As the ISIS/ISIL caliphate grew, and as they garnered ever more attention with savage and barbaric beheadings of usually abducted foreigners, many people worldwide such as ISIS brides like Hoda showed their true colors and what they really support when only given the slightest chance to do so.

Did Hoda support the freedom and equality that she enjoyed in the United States? Apparently not, and not only did she wish to go live with her true people showing her true colors, she also simultaneously sought the death and destruction of the U.S. and its citizens as well. Why wouldn’t it just be enough to go and live in her middle eastern homeland one might ask? No one can answer that question but Hoda who also should probably tell us why in the absolute HELL she thinks she should be granted entry BACK into the U.S. after the effective “fall of ISIS”. It seems like Hoda only wants the downfall of western civilization whenever it’s convenient for her and when it’s not, she would actually like to go back and live in it – and also “have her own car” as per her latest interviews.

Isn’t it a sad sight seeing this “poor woman and child” being kept out of the United States? Except…no, since she wished death on its citizens and effectively renounced her claimed citizenship when she joined ISIS. It’s a wonder she was not shot on sight when she surrendered to US forces upon ISIS’ downfall.

The best part about all of this is the mainstream media being crass enough to fuel a discussion of this ridiculous double-Benedict-Arnold by sympathetically showing pictures of her and her Jihadi-born son as if Americans are supposed to either feel sorry for this woman (who effectively wanted us to all die), or for even a moment at all entertain the possibility of any sort of legal “right” which she claims to have for re-entry as a “citizen” of the United States – a claim which President Trump and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo have rejected.

First, this woman is technically an enemy of the state, possibly guilty of war crimes herself for even being a part of ISIS – and again, not to mention whatever actual support role she served for them during her tenure, which may have included assisting with the torturing and killing of ISIS’ opponents etc – but at the very least, she most certainly is a traitor, which during a time of war is punishable by death (on the spot).

Then there is the fact that when she was born in New Jersey, her farther was a foreign diplomat from Yemen who was only still in the U.S. due to an extension to his diplomatic stay granted as a result of the civil unrest and conditions at the time in his home country. That’s right, whenever some sort of amnesty or asylum is granted to these sorts of people, it always comes back to bite the U.S. in the ass because they sooner or later use that against us.

First, her family should not have even been in the U.S. when she was born, but they were still here simply out of the kindness of America’s heart. Secondly, her father was still a diplomat at the time, and the children of diplomats born in the U.S. are not granted citizenship by birth. On no planet in no universe does Hoda have ANY claim to U.S. citizenship REGARDLESS of the fact that even if she once did, that would all be null and void due to her absconding to go support an enemy of the U.S. (and of the free world), and directly supporting insurgents engaged in active and deadly combat with U.S. and allied forces.

Lastly… the United States government can do this thing called revoking your citizenship – which it doesn’t have to do in this case since she was never a citizen – but not only does the U.S. have certain legal provisions for doing so (which Hoda has certainly met), but at the end of the day, they can do it at any time for any reason to any person because simply…who in the hell is going to stop them? The U.S. can revoke your citizenship and tie up all legal appeals to that action for the next hundred years and who is going to prevent that while you sit in the sand in Syria? Hoda is this thing called one dumb mother fucker – the same as most or all supporters of Jihad. The only difference here is that she is having the chance to show the world just how abhorrently stupid she is due to the media’s attention. It’s almost comical that the same girl who said to other would-be ISIS brides to “…go on drivebys, and spill all of their blood…” before coming to join her cause in Syria is now saying “…I want to go to school, I want to have a job and I want to have my own car…”

Apparently Hoda only wants the American dream whenever she fails to destroy it, has no ISIS ground left to stand on, and is stuck in a Syrian refugee camp… Thank God a federal judge this November has ruled that Hoda and her son are in fact NOT citizens of the U.S. and that her request for entry into this country stands as denied. Dumb bitch.

The Train Wreck That is Lori Loughlin
Two-face

The disaster that is Lori Loughlin’s life as of late continues to unfold like a slow-motion train wreck with the latest news being that she and her husband face new and additional charges around the college admissions scandal that they’ve been embroiled in since earlier this year.

Lori and her husband Mossimo Giannulli were arrested this past March as they were caught in the dragnet set by federal investigators as part of “Operation Varsity Blues”, exposing at least fifty-one people who conspired to facilitate entrances into some of the nation’s top universities by inflating their childrens’ college admissions test scores and faking membership in certain athletic groups – such as crew in the case of Lori and Mossimo ‘s daughters.

Why it’s not already enough to be wealthy and able to send your children to whatever decent school will accept them (Lori and Mossimo have an estimated net worth of around $90 million) is anyone’s guess. Why the feds so voraciously went after this particular crime would take another wild guess considering that there must certainly be bigger fish to fry out there than wealthy families paying exorbitant sums of money to cheat their childrens’ way into colleges.

The most bizarre aspect of this federal operation – which also entangled Desperate Housewives actress Felicity Huffman – is that whilst other defendants (such as Huffman) took responsibility and plead to the charge as would be expected from any normal human being, Loughlin and Mossimo plead not guilty… Not only that, but whenever Loughlin first showed up to court she appeared as if she was there for a promotion of one of her movies – to the extent of even posing for pictures with fans and signing autographs. Walking around with a joker smile in Boston as you appear in court to answer to a federal indictment just doesn’t seem like sane behavior. Pleading not guilty to federal charges whilst everyone else involved is pleading guilty seems somewhat ill-advised as well since the feds don’t play around with things like state prosecutors might.

Felicity Huffman didn’t seem to be in the same fantasy world as Lori, which appears to be a good thing since she only received a fourteen day sentence and only actually served ten days of it…

What Lori apparently did not know about our federal court system is that the prosecutors don’t play anything but hard ball. This isn’t state court where things are plead down and significant deals are cut for pleading guilty… In federal court, the prosecutors EXPECT you to plead guilty and not waste their time with a trial, so they can move on to the next case and continue upping their conviction rates. A lot of these prosecutors are looking for a career in politics later or a federal judgeship. Federal prosecutors are usually very intelligent and ambitious individuals that are NOT trying to be made a fool out of by Aunt Becky.

And “go for it” she did indeed by pleading not guilty to the federal charges levied against her…

In federal court if you don’t plead guilty to the charges at hand, the prosecutors will seek the absolute maximum penalties allowed by federal law which is usually up to twenty years per federal felony and another twenty for each additional count. This is a pretty stiff threat for someone charged with even just one count of one felony, and the potential years start to stack up very quickly as the feds seek convictions on multiple charges and counts. Someone with just two counts on one charge is looking at forty years! Forty is an amazing potential possibility for someone who might plead guilty to the same set of charges and only get probation. The feds want guilty pleas, and they make it very painful if they don’t get them.

Reality didn’t apparently start to set in for Lori until she and Mossimo were hit with additional charges in late October. This is all part of the federal game, continuing to stack the deck against defendants and pressuring them with the potential of spending the rest of their lives in federal prison – which again, is nothing like its state counterpart. In the federal system you can expect to do a clean (and astonishing) eighty-seven percent of your sentence whereas with state convictions usually inmates serve much lower percentages such as fifty percent or even less in a lot of cases.

Lori doesn’t look so spunky at her latest court appearance now that the feds have slapped her with additional charges supposedly taking the years she could face up to 50…

What’s obvious is that Lori is no longer looking as chipper and smiley as she was once was now that she is starting to realize the depth levels of the shit that she and her husband are currently in. What’s not obvious? How she continues to plead not guilty including with regards to the new charges…Aunt Becky must still be living in Full House.

Update – 05-21-20:
It looks like the game is finally up for Lori and reality has set in – 14 months later than it should’ve. The charades have apparently come to an end and when faced with either the full weight of the Federal legal system or a plea deal… Lori and Mossimo have taken the deal…

NYC Now Belongs to Illegal Immigrants
Captain Corn

The levels of sheer absurdity when it comes to the growing desire to not enforce immigration laws in this country have now reached all-out epic proportions. In New York City it is now a fineable offence – to the tune of $250,000 – to call someone an “illegal alien” (regardless of if they in fact are or not).

Also on the list of new offenses are discriminating based on someone’s English proficiency OR even threatening to call immigration authorities “based on someone’s actual or perceived alienage, [or] citizenship status, [or] national origin”. This means that the person CAN IN FACT BE an illegal alien, but it is still an offense to call them one OR tell them you are calling INS.

Absolutely amazing. So basically, not only do SO many Democrats in this country WANT illegal aliens here in the U.S. (to increase their voter base when those illegals later have citizen children), but now you can’t even call an illegal out for being one OR tell them you are calling INS without risking a $250k fine!? I suppose the work-around is to just not say anything to them and simply call INS and wait for the problem to get fixed, but the fact that American CITIZENS in this country can’t even SAY to an illegal immigrant that they are indeed an illegal immigrant is utterly ridiculous and astonishing, not to mention stupid. Dems are systematically stripping U.S. citizens of their rights and transferring those rights over to anybody in the world that wants to break the law and come to the U.S. illegally. Just what in the HELL is going on in this nation?

A couple of examples cited as violations of the new guidelines are:

  1. A hotel prohibiting its housekeepers from speaking another language because it would “offend” guests.
  2. A store owner telling two people speaking Thai to “speak English” or “go back to your country.”

The first question that comes to mind is regarding the hotel company that is now obliged to pay someone to work for them… but the company can’t require them to speak in the official language of this country while on the clock? Companies can enforce drug policies and firearms restrictions on citizens that clearly violate their rights but OH NO, they absolutely cannot require that their employees speak English. Absolutely astonishing.

The second question I would ask is how friendly do you think English speaking Americans would be treated if they were say…in Iran openly speaking English? Not only would they be told to stfu, they’d be thrown in jail just for being American, yet these latest rules suggest an American here in the U.S. couldn’t even request for an Iranian to speak English. Instead, we must let them continue to speak Farsi while plotting their next bombing and if we insist they speak English so we can know what they’re saying, WE get a $250k fine! Just what in the absolute HELL is going on in the United States of America to where one of our most prominent cities is bending over backwards to persecute American citizens while opening the door to any law breaking border jumper that can somehow make it to our country? If this isn’t an indicator of the downfall of civilization as we know it, I certainly don’t know what is.

Can’t Feel My Face
Starboy

One of the internet’s funniest videos, this Amazing Race clip will make you spit out your drink, and of course…remind you of The Weeknd!

Right in the kisser!

The Confusing History of Prehistory
Fox Mulder

Thanks to the painstaking research efforts by archaeologists and various other scientists over the past several decades, humans are now finally starting to construct a real picture of how our ancestors may have lived, died, and even interbred over the course of millennia. While these efforts serve to invaluably educate our species on its pedigree, they also fall far short of painting a picture of clarity and instead are providing a heavily granulated mosaic.

The Denisova Cave in Altai Krai, Russia

Due to its location, the Denisova Cave in the Bashelaksky Mountain Range of the Siberian region of Russia has an average year round temperate of just 32°F. Scientists are finding that this particular cave was once home to many of our ancestors and has basically become a cold storage for human and humanoid-produced artifacts (and remains) for the periods of time in which it has been left uninhabited and dormant.

First noticed to have significant archaeological value in the 1970’s, this cave has since yielded a treasure trove of absolutely priceless artifacts that give us a window back into history allowing us to see the work of early humanoid artists whose talent now echoes throughout time. Some of the most impressive pieces have impossibly small holes drilled into them which must have required a level of skill unparalleled for vast swaths of history considering the prehistorical tools available at the time.

Prehistorical artifacts from the Denisova Cave

When people speak of history they can usually get some sort of an idea of the time frames in question by comparing to their own experiences in life. If something occurred fifty years ago for instance they might picture what it’s like to live ten years of their life (then multiply that by five) whilst cross-referencing that to what they know occurs in the span of fifty years of recorded history. This is enough time for someone to be born and grow old, for business empires to rise and fall, and for technological advances to change our standards of living. What people can’t understand however is when we start to talk about the spans of time required in order to map out the history of the Denisova Cave. What we are talking about here are millennia, and once the conversation gets to that point, we need to try extremely hard to truly understand the subject material.

According to some of the latest research, this cave has a history of humanoid occupation dating to nearly as long as 300,000 years. This is insane. What makes it even more curious is that it isn’t the remains of modern humans that are the most exciting and perplexing (although they are present as well) but rather the remains of not one, but two early humanoid species also found in the cave – with most probably at least some eras of overlapping use. What this means is that multiple species most likely shared this cave together and just about certainly interbred while doing so.

Since we were first able to look up at the stars at night we’ve wondered from whence we came and with every passing year and development of technological advance we step teasingly closer to the answers that we seek. This never-ending “march of time”-like progression is something that we rely on to eventually fully enlighten us, and it helps us to sleep better at night thinking that eventually we’ll figure everything out and have all of the answers.

The Denisova Cave is one of the double-edged swords of these advances in our understanding because it has raised at least as many questions as it has answered about our history – not only just what happened and when but also, who ARE we? The typical historical narrative suggests that we are modern homo sapiens that migrated out of Africa some time after some of our earlier humanoid brethren had already done so, and after some contact with them or not, we were the only ones to survive to present day with the rest falling into history after becoming extinct for one reason or another. This story is nice and neat and sets modern humans up on some pedestal as having survived as a result of either being more highly evolved, intelligent, adaptable, fierce, or all of the above.

Excavations in the Denisova Cave

As archaeologists continue to dig up, sift through, study, and date the artifacts uncovered, it is increasingly looking like the humanoid species Neanderthal and Denisovan co-occupied this cave for millennia at a time, and this is not just one or two thousand years, but more like 96,000 years of co-habitation! This is where the modern human mind just cannot understand what is being said. This is such an astronomically high number of years for two humanoids species to be co-existing in the exact same place, that it is nearly impossible for them to have failed to interbreed together.

Imagine male and female humanoids living in the same cave together for forty-eight times as long as the distance in history between us today and when Jesus walked the earth. That is striking by itself, but now try to imagine them never having interbred and it becomes most obvious that they must have indeed.

Very fine artistic work of early humanoids

These implications are now actually being confirmed by scientists and are in fact, no longer just conjecture. A study in 2018 using the latest in “collagen peptide mass fingerprinting” technology has effectively proven the finding of the remains of a thirteen year old girl who was most likely the offspring of a Neanderthal mother and a Denisovan father. While these studies are certainly answering many, many questions of our history around the migrations and interactions of early humanoid species, they are diluting the clarity of the picture of exactly what other interbreeding occurred and what that means for us today.

As we listened to our instructors in class during our schooling we had a fairly clear painting of where we came from – and how – with regards to a Homo Sapien origin in Africa, followed by the great coastal migration and so on and so forth. This story was simple enough and made sense. With the latest discoveries from the Denisova Cave however, that picture is now becoming as pixelated as a low quality YouTube video to the point where it’s now nearly unwatchable.

If Neanderthals and Denisovans cross-bred, it is at the very least prudent to assume that further interbreeding occurred between Homo Sapiens as well. What does this mean? It means we are in fact NOT the same Homo Sapiens that broke out of Africa all of those years ago as we were told in our classrooms. Instead, it means that we’re something else…some hodgepodge mixture of early humanoid species crossed with those ALSO early humanoid Homo Sapiens, which altogether resulted in whatever we are today that can only be defined as “modern humans”. Maybe someday we will know who we are, but in the meantime we will keep looking to the stars and asking those questions as our historical genetic makeup continues to descend into an ever-complicated mosaic of confusion.